In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, light brown sugar, and white sugar with a hand mixer (medium speed on Kitchenaid using paddle attachment) for 2 minutes. Add the instant pistachio pudding mix and beat until well combined.
Plop in the eggs, almond extract, and desired amount of dye (if using) and beat more, daddy.
Switch to a wooden spoon (same attachment if using Kitchenaid) and stir in ½ of the flour mixture, and then the other half.
Finally, add in those pistachios and chocolate chips and give it one last spin on your disco stick.
Let dough sit in the fridge, covered, for at least 30 minutes, the longer the better. This will do two things: 1. Allow the dry ingredients to activate and 2. Make the dough easier to work with.
When fridge time is almost up, preheat oven to 350°F.
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and roll dough into golf ball-sized balls, leaving room for cookies to spread. Much bigger balls don't work because it takes longer to bake, ruining the point of the cookie…its chewiness!
Bake on middle rack for 11 minutes. Cookies will look pale/not done, but they are! Let cool for 5 minutes before moving to cooling rack. Allow cookies to continue to cool completely, about 30 minutes, for full chewy effect. It's gonna be hard but I believe in you!
Grab an ice-cold glass of titty milk and sink your teeth into the chewiest/thiccest chocolate chip cookies you ever did see.